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Who Knew Toothsome Meant Tasty?

Here's a thought I recently sank my teeth into. You know you're middle-aged when you start wishing people healthy birthdays instead of happy ones.

You promise yourself you're going to lose weight, eat better or exercise more. Maybe you promise yourself you're going to do all three, but who promises themselves they're going to brush their teeth more or floss?

When it comes to oral hygiene, I think David Letterman and fluoride have improved America's smile as much as dentists have; but I wish there'd been fluoride in my toothpaste and drinking water when I was growing up. Fluoride, not magic tricks with their toothbrushes, is the reason neither of my sons have cavities. It's the reason the tooth fairy needs a second job to support herself. Well, that's what one of Santa's elves told the Easter Bunny.

My dentist has a sign in his waiting room that says, "I want to be the other man in your life". Well, while I'm waiting for the Prince of Porcelain, I'd like to read magazines that were published after I was born. I'd also like him to improve his chair-side manner by asking about my family before he fills my mouth with cotton and dental instruments.

When Dr. Dan says, "This may hurt a little", I think I speak for thousands of cavity-challenged patients when I say - just give us Novocain! If I handled pain well, I wouldn't pay someone else to do my income taxes. I wouldn't avoid looking in the mirror first thing in the morning.

I read somewhere - probably in Dr. Dan's waiting room - that when a dentist hurts a patient, his or her blood pressure goes up more than the patient's blood pressure. Maybe that's true, but I'm sure the patient's blood pressure goes up much more after getting the bill.

No, I don't like going to the dentist; but I love leaving. For me it's a natural high - unless the receptionist hands me an appointment card for my next appointment before I can get out the door. Christine has a radiant smile. There must be an unwritten law that requires everyone who works there to have perfect teeth. Plastic fillings, bonding, veneers - although there are lots of new ways to avoid dentures, I'm not going to look forward to going to Dr. Dan until one, pain-free appointment can give me a smile like Julia Roberts'.

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KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life. Take a minute to make yourself smile at http://knightwatch.typepad.com

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