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Why Do Alarm Clocks Have To Be Alarming?

I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't like alarm clocks. I'd love to wake up each morning looking as vibrantly refreshed as the women in Lunesta ads. I don't. I wake up looking like I need sleeping pills instead of my morning vitamins. When my eyes finally open, I see the bathroom scale staring back at me with its one eye. Thankfully, my scale doesn't talk; but it doesn't express empathy either.

Because John and I have home offices, you'd think we could avoid rush hour traffic. Wrong. Our rush hour traffic involves the shower, the newspaper and the telephone. The only way I've found to avoid rush hour traffic is to take time to empty the dishwasher or fold laundry, but that seems a bit desperate.

Desperate is what I feel when I have to shop for clothes. When a saleslady asks how I'm going to accessorize the outfit I just bought, I ask for help. If I had to accessorize my outfits, I'd be arrested by the fashion police for being an accessory to a crime.

I haven't been arrested, but I've gotten parking tickets. Considering Southern California had less than four inches of rain this year, my windshield wipers were used to hold parking tickets.

Thankfully, I don't have to use a sewing machine or an RV. If I had to sew my clothes, I wouldn't be able to get out of the house; and if I had an RV, I wouldn't be able to get out of cooking and cleaning.

I'm at that time in my life when I can't get out of having my hair colored. If God hadn't rested on the seventh day, I'd be a natural blond. Of course, if John hadn't rested on the seventh day, the garage door would be fixed.

I wish the world's problems could be fixed without guns. When my boys were growing up, they couldn't have toy guns. Instead, they shot each other with pointed fingers. Thankfully, as they grew up, they got the point.

They also got a dog. Occasionally I've forgotten to feed Zachary or take him out. Occasionally he's been tripped over or had to wear reindeer antlers. In spite of that, he still sleeps by my feet - and by my bed and in my car. Maybe leading a dog's life has advantages. Dogs don't have to deal with alarm clocks.

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KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life. Take a minute to make yourself smile at http://knightwatch.typepad.com

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