Humor Article | Would You Rather Be In Philadelphia?More Than Articles

Would You Rather Be In Philadelphia?

W.C. Fields said, "All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia". It's what he sarcastically suggested as his epitaph.

I'd rather be in Philadelphia than have my annual physical. The tests don't bother me - although being a Type A personality makes me want to study for them. Asking as many questions as I can in the fifteen minutes I'm actually with my doctor is like playing "Beat the Clock", but that doesn't bother me. However, the first U.S. Mint is in Philadelphia; and I'd rather be there thinking that I'm in mint condition than waiting for my test results.

When I go to my dentist, having him fill my mouth with cotton before he asks about my family doesn't bother me. His saying, "This may hurt a little" doesn't bother me - even though his definition of "little" and mine are a lot different. However, I'd rather be in Philadelphia than in his waiting room. Reading that William Penn wants to design a city to be named Philadelphia and that Benjamin Franklin just proved lightning is static electricity is new news according to the magazines in my dentist's waiting room.

I'd rather be in Philadelphia looking at the crack in the Liberty Bell than having the cracks in the kitchen ceiling fixed. It's not the dust or the lack of privacy or the basic chaos that bothers me. What bothers me is that fixing up the house never ends. Fixing up the house somehow makes the furniture look old, the paint look dull or the carpet look worn.

If I had to choose between being in Philadelphia or fundraising for the fifth grade class trip to science camp, I'd be in Independence Hall right now. I'd be independently trying to figure out who put the word "fun" in fundraising.

I'd rather be in Philadelphia than pretend to like a gift. I bet George Washington didn't have to pretend to like Betsy Ross' flag. I bet George didn't feel he had to say, "Isn't this special" or "I've never seen one like this before" or "I can't believe you made this".

I pretend to like a plastic, gold fish lamp because I don't want to hurt Cousin Walter's feelings. I'm committed to being non-committal. W.C. Field's gravestone actually turned out to be non-committal. It says only his name and the dates 1880-1946. What it doesn't say is he was born in Philadelphia.

About the Author

KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life. Take a minute to make yourself smile at http://knightwatch.typepad.com

Author Profile: kphirst

Other Humor Articles